6

Almost two years ago today

Sálvame
I never understood what fear was
All of the stories about the war,
I sympathized but couldn’t do much else
Now, I get it

Mujeres fuertes
mujeres heridas
mujeres aterorrizadas,
your eyes are my eyes now

Now I know what it is
to walk with a target on your forehead
to walk looking backward,
to pray to whatever gods or goddesses to have mercy on your soul,
to pray for death with an inhale and life in the exhale because
you don’t know which one will give you more peace,
to loathe the warm embrace of the sun because it means
another day walking down the barrel of a gun,
to imagine your death a thousand different ways
because you know they’re thinking of a thousand and one.

Quizás I assume incorrectly, for you are much stronger than I.
Ustedes make tortillas under fire,
with the hot breath of injusticia on your neck
creating beads of lucha and sweat on your brow.

Breathe your espiritu into me
because I am not going to lie to you,
my chest is heavy with despair.

Wash me in the waters of your esperanza,
clean me for I am buried under a layer of dirt
from so much crawling on my hands and knees.

I never knew what fear was,
but now I do.

I am fear’s newest bride,
raped night after night
until my tear ducts are flooded
like the rivers that once carried the bodies
of your loved ones.

My spirit is barren like your land was: scorched earth.

But you rebuilt
you lived again 
you fought
you won.
Teach me
because right now I have no consolation
because I am weak
because I know I am more than this
because I believe in you
because I need you to believe in me

Madres, hermanas, tías, primas:
Sálvame.

27 de abril del 2014

                                                

5

i remember the smell of my grandfather's after-shave
i remember that ryan said i talk about my grandfather too much
i remember the night ryan and i spent at the police station,
filling out the restraining order against my ex
i remember there was ice on the ground
i remember the way he held me that night,
like he was afraid i'd slip right out of his grasp
i remember feeling that i wanted to,
to disappear like the cloud of my breath in the cold police car
i remember the police officer
i remember wondering 7 months later if she was in the police line wearing riot gear
i remember living out of my car that summer
i remember two months of eating muffins people forgot about at work
i remember a hunger i haven't recovered from
i remember crying in my therapist's office
i remember the upholstery of the chair in that room,
the marks it left on my thighs
i remember feeling that marcos was holding me
like my dad wanted to but couldn't
i remember the fear in my father's voice
i remember that i have only seen him cry once in my life
i remember that i have seen my mother cry too many times
i remember the sound of her laugh when i used to put my head on her lap,
my ear against her belly
i remember that she calls me perrito, puppy
i remember the feeling of safety
i remember that i am no longer afraid
i remember the smell of my grandfather's after-shave
and sleepy afternoons on his floor,
looking out at the bugambilias and honeysuckle and the bees
the sound of his birds and the windchimes,
the clock in the living room,
i remember remembering those moments sitting in my hot car that summer,
eyes closed and wondering how i got there
remembering white sand dunes
and brown high-pile carpet,
a younger me laying in front of the fan,
older me wishing i had that fan

4

short reflections from my notebook, written over the last month


there will be a day when i look
into your eyes and see none
of the memories of our days
together ----
today is not that day

______________________


the skeleton woman and
the angel of death
are my closest companions;
though i may resist,
they always bless me with gifts,
the greatest is life


______________________

i can't remember anymore
the way you said my name;
all i recall is the sound
of your voice saying
"i don't love you anymore"
echoing in the cavern of my chest


______________________


you hurt me in the place
where i held trust
broke me
where i believed in love
fractured me
where i felt security
now i am left searching
for the glue to put
myself back together


______________________


the butterflies in my stomach at
the sound of your name
have been replaced by a
spinning, nauseated feeing,
like a hangover i can't recover from

_______________________